Breaking my Fixer Part
There came a point in my IFS journey where I found a part that was so intrigal to my very personality that finding it and unburdening it came with a price.
Let me explain.
As I meditate and do my IFS practice a few times a week, I use my Self Energy to explore the many parts inside of me. I’ve found almost a hundred parts so far, and if you aren’t experienced in IFS, that might sound like a lot, but to those of us who have been in practice, this is to be expected. Some parts are very fluid, going into and out of and blending and unblending with other parts. Some, once they are unburdened (where the job they have been doing in the internal system has been identified, validated, and then set down) tend to take on other jobs. Mine mostly want to play. These unburdened parts become my Inner Children’s best friends, playing and creating together.
But my Fixer part is another story.
I discovered this part in a mediation about six months ago. Let me set the scene.
My sister and I weren’t speaking. About six months before, I had a conversation with her that hurt her feelings. I felt that I had been honest about a situation and had talked about it carefully, but that didn’t matter. She wasn’t ready to talk to me yet. Another friend and I weren’t speaking because I asked for things they couldn’t give. There were relationships at work that were changed, too, when I put up boundaries that people didn’t like. I felt like I had broken everything.
Sometimes, healing looks like breaking things.
When I meditated on all of these seemingly broken relationships, I felt the Fixer part in my gut. And she was MAD. When I could get into Self Energy, I asked her what had been happening. She explained that we are not supposed to worry about our own needs. We are supposed to worry about everyone else and work on other people’s needs. And what was she afraid would happen if we stopped? I asked her. We will have no value. No one will love us. We are only loveable because we fix other people, she sobbed.
When I asked how old she was, she was very little. She was in first or second grade. She showed us sitting at a desk, and next to us was one of our classmates. He had very limited vision, and because this was before schools were required to provide an aid to students like him, I had become his aid. Fixer and I talked about how much we loved helping him. That we felt warm and gooey because he was really struggling. Our big hearts couldn’t take it, so we started to help him by turning his pages and pointing to where we were on a worksheet. We felt such a sense of purpose, and our Soft Megan part was very happy.
We also started to get lots of accolades for being helpful. We were seated next to him in every class. Notes home to my parents always remarked how wonderful I was to have in class. But no one seemed to notice that I was struggling to get my work done. And that I was completely overwhelmed in subjects like math and spelling.
The Fixer then fast-forwarded to high school, where Soft Megan loved EVERYONE. Even the kids that weren’t nice to other kids, because we had been taught that hurt kids hurt other kids. We should be compassionate and empathetic, even if they are picking on the US.
I would seek out the kids who were loners or the ones who just had their hearts broken, and I’d listen. I’d stick up for them and offer lots of advice. This is when the Fixer showed me her deep friendship with an Advice Part. They became a powerful duo.
When I asked my parts to tell me more about their jobs, they said they keep us safe by fixing other people. We don’t have to feel our own feelings. When I wasn’t asked to Prom, we could give great advice to others that weren’t asked either. When I had a hard time in school, we’d volunteer to help tutor other kids in the classes we were feeling good in. We even volunteered in the Nurse’s and Guidance Counselor’s offices! And boy, we got a lot of praise for being so kindhearted and generous with our empathy.
When I asked the Fixer and The Advisor what they thought would happen if we stopped fixing other people, they didn’t know. When I asked how old they thought I was (I mean Self Energy), they said, “I don’t know, like 18?” “No, I said. We are 51 years old.” and they were shocked. I told them that we didn’t have to fix anyone anymore and only really had to worry about ourselves. And the Fixer put up a fight. The Advisor seemed to understand, so she stepped back.
The Fixer was very concerned about who we would be without fixing people. When I explained that our “fixing” sometimes hurts other people, and it certainly hurts us, she was angry. And she drew a line in the sand and said, “Good luck with that!”
She was not ready to give up her job. We promised the Fixer that we would be back to talk with her again and to understand more.
After this encounter in my meditation, it became very hard for me to understand what healthy support looks like in my daily life. I stopped giving advice unless someone asked. I stopped reaching out to people that didn’t reach out to me to check-in. My whole system felt swirly and unmoored.
I’ve had many conversations with the Fixer during the past six months. At one point, when I was so frustrated that I couldn’t figure out how to coach or lead without my fixer in the driver's seat, I reached out to a friend of mine, and she said, “Put the Fixer in the backseat of the car. Give her some snacks, put on a movie, and tell her she is welcome along the trip, but she can’t drive anymore.”
The visualization of this helped me so much. Other parts that were unburdened helped me understand what reciprocity is. General Manager Megan helped me keep the Fixer in the backseat while we studied more about roles in coaching, therapy, and counseling. My Fixer has led the way in my business consulting and coaching practice, as she thought people were paying us to fix them, their business, and their lives.
The last Self Energy conversation with the Fixer was very helpful. She could see how focusing on fixing others helped to keep us safely in connection with people in power. It helped us feel soft and loving. But she also admitted that she was exhausted and was now willing to set down the job of Fixing others at the price of our own needs. The other parts and Self Energy thanked her for her hard work and said that we have more skills because we are older now. We are safe, and we can handle what happens when she stops.
This isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, though. People who have come to depend on the Fixer’s excellent skills weren’t happy that I now said things like, “That sounds really challenging. I’m here for you if you need support.” Instead of just jumping into ideas and solutions. I had to figure out a healthy way of being supportive.
And even more importantly, it turns out that when I stopped the Fixer from driving the car, I found out that a lot of people were annoyed by us. That we didn’t listen. We were a bull in a China shop with their feelings. That irronically, the Fixer prioritized the role that she thought kept us safe over the actual needs of others, too. And that felt yucky to other people.
Some of my parts are still learning about where we find our value. The Fixer was such a strong force inside the Family that other parts are now coming to show me their story, and when I ask what they want to be doing, it’s always playing. Always. And I have come to understand that the Fixer never was able to play. She had a JOB from a very young age. While she was very good at that job, she also caused harm.
After some time, my sister and I have reconciled. She admitted that my fixing was demeaning to her. It felt like I didn’t trust her to live her own life. My friend said that they didn’t think I was being honest and that I felt manipulative sometimes because they knew I would say something in a certain way so I could claim I fixed them. Ew. I apologized to them and anyone else that I may have caused harm. Things feel better. My Internal Family seems more grounded.
Even as I write this post, the Fixer is on my shoulder saying, “You could say it this way so you could help other people! Don’t admit you screwed up, or no one will believe you can help them! We have to be perfect so people take our advice, and we can fix them!” But now I know she needs me to love her and tell her she’s good and valuable without fixing others. I sit her down in the backseat with her goldfish snacks and play her favorite movies. As I put the car into drive, I look in the rearview mirror and am filled with love for her. Her eyes meet mine, and she smiles and giggles. No more fixing for us; instead, it’s love and open-heartedness for our parts and the parts of others.
